Scantily clad beach bodies, the proverbial keg stand, and the first hints of warm weather; all indisputable indications that Spring Break is here. Everyone is familiar with the usual destinations where throngs of college students and singles flock to party, namely Cancun, South Padre Island, and Panama City. This year, OnlineBootyCall.com has identified the Five Worst Spring Break Destinations to help singles everywhere (especially OBC members) avoid disaster during these festive weeks of mayhem.

5) Blue Ball vs. Climax, Pennsylvania

As you might expect, the city of Blue Ball is located in the Amish region of Pennsylvania, where the ladies prefer bonnets to bikinis and a fiddle over an iPod. But don’t look for relief in Climax, although the city sounds promising, it’s situated far off on the opposite side of the state where your chances of getting there are… about zero.

4) Yakutsk, Russia

The word Yakutsk might as well be the Russian translation for blue balls. Just like its Pennsylvanian counterpart, Yakutsk will give you a bad case of below-the-belt misfortune, but for different reasons: with a record low of -67 degrees Fahrenheit in March, going outside in board shorts will result in more than one blue appendage to complain about.

3) Kabul, Afghanistan

Nothing screams Spring Break like a floor-length, full-body burqa in 112-degree weather — just ask our dedicated men and women in uniform stationed in Kabul. Unless your idea of fun is playing hopscotch across an IED-riddled mine field, you’d do well to get your adrenaline rush elsewhere.

2) San Quentin State Prison

Situated in beautiful northern California, San Quentin might seduce you with its barbed wire fences and sensual doughnut-chomping guards, but don’t be fooled. That sauna you’re wandering into is actually a gas chamber, and as a bonus, you’re sharing a hotel bed with the ghost of Charles Manson. Sleep tight and don’t drop the soap!

1) Haiti

Joining the ranks of such hot spots as Mexico and the Bahamas, Haiti’s got all the Spring Break necessities: gorgeous weather, pristinely desolate beaches, and a complete lack of infrastructure. This is a perfect spot for those who want to get away from all the distractions that come with cell phone service, internet connectivity and running water. We love our Haitian compatriots and because the crisis is far from over, we remind everyone to donate $10 to the victims of the Haiti earthquake by texting HAITI to 90999.

Spring Break is the time of the year when wet t-shirt contests are not only acceptable, they’re expected, so save yourself years of post-Spring Break stress disorder and keep to the usual standbys!

Check out the full press release at OnlineBootyCall.com!