Did you know the World Cup is still going on? Crazy, right? I mean, there are like, 4 matches every single day. No, dude, I’m not kidding. Every single day. The reason you probably don’t know this is because the majority of the most anticipated matches start at like, 4 in the morning (or 6, or 7, all the same to me) and then continue on throughout your work day. By the time you get off and are like, “Hey, I could totally watch some soccer right now!” the other side of the world is already asleep. Prudes.

Anyway, here’s the update:

–  Did you know that games are played at the same time now? Apparently because of a “fixed” game back in 1982, important games that dramatically affect various teams’ outcomes are played simultaneously. That’s why Uruguay vs Mexico and South Africa vs France happened at the same time.

–  France, in typical French fashion, got all dramatic and  ruined their chances. Apparently, Anelka called his coach a “dirty son of a whore,” a whole bunch of players refused to train, that Ribery fella with the messed up grill slept with that hooker a bunch of times, and  la dee dah, POOF, the team expected to go far is now going home to eat crepes or something. Boo hoo.

– Mexico lost, but is still advancing to the next round. Uh, ok.

– Good job South Africa! Root root root for the home team, right!?

– Anti-rape condoms. Yes, a dramatic shift of mood. Apparently, in an effort to prevent the out-of-control sexual assault in South Africa, a woman is distributing her line of “anti-rape” condoms. What do these anti-rape condoms do, you might wonder. Do they alert localpolice? Do they give the attacker a talk about women’s rights? Nope, they just use 25 barbed spike to shred the bajeezus out of your peen. Because nothing says, “stop attacking me,” like someone sticking needles in your junk.

There’s probably more stuff going on at the World Cup, but me trying to explain any of it to you would be like a woman trying to teach you to drive *, so I’ll let you figure it out yourself. Stop over at Gather.com for a great review of the days games.