Remember like, less than three days ago when I told you I hadn’t seen a really decent dumb criminal story in a long time and I thought maybe they were slowly Darwin-ing themselves out of the world? Well, turns out the dummies are SURVIVING, because I just learned that a woman in Pennsylvania is accused of letting her 6-year-old niece back a car out of a parking space because “the other car was parked too close for her to get in the front seat.”

Rebecca Karen Beatty is being charged with reckless endangerment and permitting an unauthorized person to operate a vehicle, which I believe is punishable by sterilization and never being allowed to have children ever.

The child driver struck two parked cars in the Ambridge Area High School lot, pushing one of them over a curb, across a sidewalk and into a car parked along Duss Avenue, police said.

Hmm. I wonder what Beatty THOUGHT was going to happen when a FIRST GRADER tried to back up a two-ton vehicle. For god’s sake even I HAVE TROUBLE doing that sometimes (insert misogynistic joke here).

Dumb criminals – they’re everywhere. Watch your back, people.