Well, there goes my hypothesis. I had assumed for the past few years that Steve Jobs himself had been spreading the rumors about finalizing a contract with Verizon as a joke. Like maybe he thought it was just hilarious to watch Verizon users get mad cases of blue balls every three months. Or perhaps he had developed some sort of creepy sexual fetish for watching people squirm in their chairs, buying iPhone cases and eagerly monitoring any news blip that would suggest they might FINALLY be able to use precious, precious FaceTime without having to become a lowly AT&T user.

But, alas, I am wrong. Apparently Verizon really has closed a deal with Apple and will finally be selling iPhones as soon as February 4th. I imagine there are tons of people who finally broke down and bought Androids last week that are screaming like Luke Skywalker when he found out who his pops was. Via BuzzFeed:

The deets:

The Verizon iPhone 4 will support all of the same features that AT&T customers are used to, like FaceTime and the Retina Display. There will also be a Wi-Fi hotspot feature allowing up to 5 devices to share a connection.

The price:

32 GB Devices – $299.99 16 GB Devices – $199.99

The network:

While AT&T customers have become all too familiar with the congested 3G network and the problems with the iPhone 4’s antennae, The Verizon iPhone is Optimized to work on CDMA EVDO network.

The downside:

Although Verizon’s CDMA network doesn’t currently suffer from the same sort of congestion issues as AT&T’s 3G network, receiving a call will cause data transmission to drop.

And once again, like with cable companies, politicians, and frozen pizza brands, we’re faced with the lesser or two evils. What will YOU choose?