I have two words for you: Landon. F***ing. Donovan. Okay, that’s three, I don’t care. He pulled through after a scoreless 90 minutes and scored that goal in a way that said, “THIS IS FOR THAT STUPID STUPID HAIRCUT, ALGERIANS.” (seriously, what was up with those haircuts? Hassan Yebda  looked like the friggin’ Last Airbender)

Here are my top 5 thoughts on the World Cup game today.

1) Landon Donovan, mmm.

Already been said, but wow. Seriously, his rebound at the end of the game is being toted as one of the most exciting and memorable moments in American soccer history, which is probably as long as a Berenstein Bears book. Also, he is not difficult to look at, which scores even higher in my book.

2) The math behind advancing to the next round in this sport is ridiculous.

I’m sorry, but I am an American, and I don’t like confusing-ass scoring. I like football where the rules are “ME WIN, YOU LOSE, ME GO TO SUPER BOWL. ALSO BUDWEISER.” This morning while trying to figure out this whole messy advancement business, I got as far as “If the US draws, and England beats Slovenia, they’re out. England would finish with 5, Slovenia with 4, and the USMNT with 3.” UM, WHAT? I THOUGHT THIS WAS SOCCER, NOT CALCULUS.

3) What was up with Algeria’s goalie?

Every time he accidentally blocked a shot, he had the most smug looking face I’ve ever seen. Too bad the joke’s on him — Not so smug now, are you, Faouzi…uh… Chao… um…uchi?

4) Faked injuries

I missed American football every single time some player clutched their shin in agony, or  claimed to get elbowed in the face, falling to their knees in “anguish,” and then five seconds later the replay showed absolutely no contact. WTF. In American football, you can’t fake an injury, because your FEMUR IS SNAPPED.

5) Okay fine, soccer is pretty exciting.

Today’s game made me realize that hey, this sport is kiiiind of awesome. I mean, sure I spent the first 75 minutes slipping in an out of sleep, but when it came down to the last moments, my heart got all sorts of patriotic and anxiety ridden. Can’t wait till this Saturday, when we can watch the US of A play… um, some other team. I don’t have the algorithm to figure that out at the moment.