Last night was the first night in all my years that I didn’t don a costume on Halloween. Not even for a moment. Not even a pair of bunny ears with my jeans and tee. I was so partied out from Saturday night (I still say Halloween should be the last Saturday of October) and my costume was so destroyed (re: spilled on), that I just wanted to get in bed at 5pm yesterday and pretend the holiday wasn’t happening. Instead I went to a local Mexican food spot and ate a 4000 calorie meal and THEN went straight to bed at 9pm. What can I say, ERRYDAY’S A PARTY FOR BCU GIRL, YO.

As is the tradition of the Internet Age, the morning after Halloween is spent looking at celebrities’ crazy, over-the-top costumes and judging them with the same face Michael Kors has on Project Runway. And because I’m feeling so anti-Halloween today, I decided to forgo the usual review of the sexiest costumes of the year, and instead concentrate on the worst ones. It’s more fun, in an angry, indigestion-suffering-troll kind of way. Let’s begin, grumps!

5. The Kardashian Klan as the cast of Batman

Here is one of those times where the type of people inside the costumes can totally destroy a great costume. Let’s be honest, Kim Kardashian’s body was made for latex, and I am always a sucker for well managed group costumes. However, the Kardashians are only one-upped in douche-baggery by the soul-sucking Scott Disick, who makes that Robin costume about as embarrassing as humanly possible. Also I think he stuffed the crotch.

4. Jenny McCarthy as nothing

I’m all for making a costume a little on the scandalous side, but throwing on lingerie and sunglasses is NOT. A. COSTUME. Also stop telling people not to vaccinate their children, you monster.

3. Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison

I’m actually surprised Courtney is wearing this much clothing, but it doesn’t make the statutory rape any less revolting.

2. Jessica Simpson as the Wench Who Clearly Can’t Breathe

Jessica Simpson, seen here with her NFL husband and new baby, wore a costume likely constructed by world-renowned scientists to make her waist appear that small. The Weight Watchers CEO probably foot the bill and then went home to pray and cry in the bathtub over choosing her as their new spokes-fatty. Unlike Jennifer Hudson, who dropped like 100 dress sizes and became a straight up bombshell, I don’t see Jess ever regaining her Dukes of Hazzard body, and this costume just proves it. Look at that face, it says, “hurry up and take the damn picture or my lower intestine will start exploding out my butthole.” And Eric Johnson’s face? If that’s not fear, I don’t know what is.

1. Chris Brown as a terrorist

Obviously. Just… obviously.