IT’S ELECTION DAY, EVERYONE!

YOU. ME. POLLING BOOTH. BALLOTS! POLITICAL JARGON? YES PLEASE! LET’S. GET. IT. ON.

Just kidding.

We’re sure you’re tired of the non-stop political commercials and public service announcements reminding you to vote today, so instead of giving you tips on what to do this Election Day, or reminding you that not voting is like a kick in the face to every colonial militia member that fought for your freedom, we will take the high road and give you

BCU’S TOP 5 SEXIEST AMERICAN POLITICIANS OF ALL TIME.

5. Sarah Palin

Yeah, I said it. I SAID IT! Sure, she has about as much political preparedness as a shelter puppy, but let’s be honest, she’s pretty bangin’, especially for someone who has pumped enough kids out of her to start a small army. Plus I had to have at least one lady on the list.

4. Thomas Jefferson

With that wispy, Trump-esque hair and foofy scarf, you might be thinking I’m crazy, or at least that I have an ascot fetish. But if we look at this comparatively, the guy’s pretty damn sexy. And he didn’t even have syphilis*, which is a plus, and he doesn’t look quite as inbred as most of the post-Revolution politicians (i.e. John Adams. Yeesh.) For 18th century America, this guy was the Brad Pitt equivalent.

*edit: I just found out he died of a urinary tract infection and had a lisp, which is, um… not that bad?

3. Gavin Newsom, Mayor of San Francisco

Oh, Gavin. Gavin Gavin Gavin. It’s not unexpected that my number two sexiest American politician would be from San Francisco, because like, 95% of men that live in that city are flaming (hot and otherwise). Gavin is also currently the Democratic candidate for Lieutenant Governor of California, and if I could vote for him based on suit-wearing-capabilities alone, he’d get my carefully bubbled in ballot for SURE.

2. John F. Kennedy

JFK was a playboy president way before Bill Clinton ever got his his “commander-in-chief” taken care of by that fat intern. He was not only extremely inspirational and compassionate, but had an affinity for yachts, and before he was married to the gorgeous Jackie Kennedy, the lay-deez. Until he was tragically assassinated in 1963, he lead the United States through some of the most trying times of our history. Plus he was SMOKIN’.

1. Barack Obama

You know I had to do it. The man has one of the most riveting speaking voices I’ve ever heard, is hilarious, likes good music, is good at both basketball and body surfing, and has taken a depressed country and given it hope that things can get better. Whether or not you agree with his politics, you’ve got to admit the man has charisma and charm like no other. Here’s to 2-6 more years of room-commanding smiles, good sir!