Welp, here we are everyone. Now that we have decided to go ahead and accept the ridiculous idea that the end of the world as we know it is coming in less than 24 hours, it’s time to set some ground rules. Assuming the Earth starts to hurtle into a black hole or the sun runs out of power or all the water on the planet dries up, leading us all into a slow, dehydration-fueled extinction, it is of the utmost importance that we all maintain our composure.

HAHA, just kidding. Go nuts!

1. DO attempt to set up an end of the world orgy.

If you haven’t already sent messages to all of your booty calls ever (and all your friends) (and all their booty calls… share the wealth), GET ON IT. Let’s assume that the universe will start to implode in upon itself at exactly 12 midnight at the Universal Date Line – and that you will disintegrate at exactly midnight in whatever time zone you are currently in. Therefore, for a solid, successful orgy, we recommend beginning by at LEAST 8pm, giving people enough time to show up, get tipsy, and start having sex like they’ll never do it again.

2. DON’T star spouting off any weird, racist/homophobic/sexist shit.

Yes. We’re all in agreement that the world is going to end. That’s fine. However, we DON’T know if there is going to be an afterlife, or if the world will restart in some alternate plane of existence. The last thing you want is wake up immediately after the fire consumes the Earth in another dimension and realize your karma has turned you into a malaria-infected mosquito. Be nice.

3. DO make sure to turn off the oven.

Just to be safe.

DON’T kill yourself before midnight hits because you’re scared.

Because a) don’t be a pussy, and b) if there IS an afterlife/alternate dimension/llama-ruled world, and someone says to you, “daaaamn, how about that end of the world, huh?” and you’re unable to answer because you swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills at 10:45 pm? Whooo-whee. You will lose serious street cred. Face the end like a man!

DO splurge on something awesome.

I have a feeling that this whole “fiscal cliff” and the Mayan calendar thing are related. So instead of locking yourself in your house with enough Top Ramen to get you halfway to the moon, go out there and buy something TOTALLY CRAZY. Like a motorcycle. Or a $1000 dessert. Or a Hermes purse. Or a high-class hooker and a bottle of Rihanna’s favorite champagne, if you didn’t plan ahead for the aforementioned orgy. If for some reason the end doesn’t come (it’s not, BTW), our economy will be saved by your purchase of %500 cashmere sweater! And if the world DOES end, then WHO CARES, because you can’t use it after the meteor shaped like Michael Moore’s head crashes into the Earth.

Alright, everyone. Ready to do this? SEE YOU ON THE OTHER SIDE!

(or tomorrow. probably tomorrow.)