I don’t feel any real need to cover the MTV Video Music Awards with you, because honestly, I’m pretty sure that the entire offices of MTV have just been reduced to one computer spitting out algorithms that figure out the absolute cheapest, most hack sh*t teenagers are willing to watch, so why are we still allowing it to host an award show? However, the VMAs are, if anything, an opportunity for celebrities to do dumb-ass crap on live television and we can all laugh at it.

So, because I appreciate comedy, AND FOR NO OTHER REASONS, here are the top 3 moments from the VMAs.

1. Justin Bieber brought a snake named Johnson.

Just another reminder that despite his quadrillion dollar paychecks, he is STILL A CHILD: Justin Bieber brought his pet snake that he named after his penis.

2. Lady Gaga dressed like a man, got denied a kiss by Britney Spears, and also fell during her performance. Conclusion: Lady Gaga moves one inch closer to complete insanity.

I debated which video to put here, because they both made me cringe, and decided that both of them are needed so that we all can come to a consensus that we are DONE WITH LADY GAGA. Go home and put on some pajamas, girlfriend. You did just fine.

3. MTV sent a PRIVATE PLANE to pick up the CAST OF THE JERSEY SHORE during HURRICANE IRENE, so they wouldn’t miss the event.

Sure, Hurricane Irene didn’t end up causing the life altering devastation that East Coasters expected, but it was definitely a big storm and caused up to $13 billion in damage, displacing families and businesses and stopping all flights in several states. And yet, all that wasn’t going to stop MTV from loading up a Cessna with Tostino’s Pizza Rolls and a case of Andre champagne to pick up  Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, Vinny Guadagnino, Deena Nicole Cortese and Sammi “Sweetheart” Giancola from their town in New Jersey and shipping them first class to the award show.

I mean, it would be one thing if we were talking about Jay-Z (and his pregnant wife Beyonce!!!), or Paul McCartney, or some other music great because their presence at a MUSIC AWARD SHOW would be crucial. But those cellophane-wrapped douche bags? That is a disturbing waste of money right there.

SO – there you have it. The only three reasons you needed to watch the VMAs. So do yourself a favor and erase it from your DVR if you care about your precious brain cells. Oh, and you’re welcome.

Images courtesy of Getty