Last year for Cinco De Mayo, I wrote about the Dos and Don’ts of Cinco de Mayo, but I realized that like St. Patrick’s Day, one of the best things about the holiday is that there are supposed to be NO RULES. So this year, I decided to change it up, and offer a friendly helping hand to make sure you have a GREAT Cinco De Mayo. Follow these rules or don’t follow them, I don’t care, but you will have a much better time if you do!

1. Find your town’s most Mexican of establishment*

Despite it being Thursday and a great day for clubbing, tomorrow is not the day to pull on your high heels or pointy-toed dress up shoes (those are the worst anyway) and wait in line at a bougie nightclub. It completely defeats the purpose of Cinco De Mayo: drinking and eating to excess to celebrate a holiday that not even the country of origin really cares about. Get yourself away from the strobe lights and club beats for a night and sit on a stool, covered in salsa and margarita salt, because that’s how the Mexican freedom fighters would have wanted it!

* – If you live in the northeast, I imagine none of these exist. But I also imagine you probably don’t really celebrate Cinco De Mayo anyway, so… you know. Beat it.

2. Wear a sombrero, zarape, or equally stereotypical Mexican garb

To be honest, this holiday isn’t even really celebrated all that excitedly in Mexico, so don’t try and be too PC about it. Just as people walk around in leprechaun costumes and big red afros on St. Patrick’s Day, I’m pretty sure it’s fairly acceptable to don outfits that you would attribute to a cartoon mouse from a somewhat racist Warner Brother’s cartoon in the 80s. Although, maybe steer clear of the giant black mustaches. I’m not Mexican but even I could see that being a little offensive. You can probably find fiesta gear at a party store, but in all likelihood, if you follow rule number1, you won’t even have to provide said garb for yourself. Any decent Mexican place will be handing out toy sombreros like candy.

3. Take advantage of the heaviness of Mexican food

Tortillas, beans, cheese, chips, and meat? Could you ask for anything better to prepare your stomach for the onslaught of tequila it’s about to endure? I think not. This is just ANOTHER reason that you should make sure you end up at a legit, possibly unsanitary Mexican joint for this holiday. Opt for a “Cinco De Mayo party” at a fancy club, and the most you’ll get to eat is a single shrimp ceviche tostada with less than the amount of calories it takes your body to digest it. I’m sure you’ve been doing a lot of work on your pre-summer bod, so you can give yourself a cheat day to rev your metabolism and ruin your liver. I might say take it easy on the super hot salsa, though, because the mix of tequila and peppers exiting your body (whether through the front door or back), is notoriously unpleasant.

Follow these rules, and whether you enjoy Corona or Pacifico, Patron or Herradura, you are sure to have an enjoyable (and hopefully memorable) Cinco De Mayo.

Last year, at the end of my post, I put “OLE!” and was pretty much embarrassed for the following five weeks. So instead, my parting words are “fiesta your face off!” (hooray Spanglish!)