Uh oh. The US unemployment rate is about to take another dip, guys, because the “Tiger Woods Peen-Sucker and Tabloid Fodder” committee, which has for the past 6 years employed 80 to 90% of the country’s ho-hos is gonna have lay off all its employees. That’s right, girls*, you’ll have to find another wildly successful but fairly dull married celebrity to blackmail for money, because Tiger Woods is now a divorced man.

According to a statement released to People, Elin Nordegren and Tiger Woods are officially divorced, and were quoted saying, “we are sad that our marriage is over and we wish each other the very best for the future. While we are no longer married, we are the parents of two wonderful children and their happiness has been, and will always be, of paramount importance to both of us.”

Needless to say, nobody cares about an average-looking divorced millionaire sports star who bangs anything with crushingly low self-esteem and an Ambien hookup, so unfortunately ladies**, we, as the American public, are gonna have to let you go.

Full Story at People

* using that term loosely.

** using that term really, really loosely.