“What happens in the Village stays in the Village.” It might sound like a line from an SNL parody, but it’s true – according to many athletes, the Olympic Village (where all the athletes are housed during the Olympics) is an all-out raucous party, complete with gratuitous drinking and casual sex, and suddenly I want to go to the Olympics more than ever.

I remember reading in years past that the Olympic Village was notorious for ordering condoms “like pizza,” and that there were up 100,000 condoms needed to satisfy the demand of the athletes. But we never heard from the source how down and dirty they really got. Until now.

ESPN recently interviewed a bunch of athletes and asked them about their experiences in the Olympic village, and boy does it sound… awesome.

“I’ve never witnessed so much debauchery in my entire life.” – target shooter Josh Lakatos

“There’s a lot of sex going on.” – women’s soccer goalkeeper Hope Solo

On how many people are gettin’ down: “I’d say it’s 70 percent to 75 percent of Olympians.” – swimmer Ryan Lochte

“I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but we met a bunch of celebrities. Vince Vaughn partied with us. Steve Byrne, the comedian. And at some point we decided to take the party back to the village, so we started talking to the security guards, showed off our gold medals, got their attention and snuck our group through without credentials — which is absolutely unheard of. I may have snuck a celebrity back to my room without anybody knowing, and snuck him back out. But that’s my Olympic secret.” – soccer player Brandi Chastain

“It’s like the first day of college. You’re nervous, super excited. Everyone’s meeting people and trying to hook up with someone.” -water polo captain Tony Azevedo

“We’d graze over our food for hours watching all the eye candy, wondering why I got married.” – ex-soccer player Julie Foudy

“The girls are in skimpy panties and bras, the dudes in underwear, so you see what everybody is working with from the jump. Even if their face is a 7, their body is a 20.” – javelin thrower Breaux Greer

“You could win a gold medal and you can sleep with a really hot guy.” – alpine skier Carrie Sheinberg

“It was a late-night whirlpool party. It turned into a whirlpool orgy.” – anonymous skier

It’s fun (and let’s face it, really hot) to imagine all these world-class athletes hooking up and getting booty in one giant village filled with the greatest bodies in the world. Unfortunately, it’s also kind of depressing because 99.9% of us will never get to experience it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go eat a Snickers for lunch and cry myself to sleep.