According to new reports, scientists have discovered a new strain of gonorrhea that’s making waves through Japan, and guess what… this one is INCURABLE. They’re calling it a ‘superbug,’ and it seems to be resistant to all known forms of antibiotics. Oh, good! Good job, sexually transmitted diseases. We’re all sitting here, trying to enjoy our single lives, having fun and hooking up, and YOU COME ALONG, making it difficult for EVERYONE.

This new strain of the clap is spreading quickly through Japan, which means in approximately six weeks, US business men will have spread it to their wives, who will then in turn spread it to their pool boys, who will then spread it to the rest of America.

In other words, steer clear of pool boys in August. They will be RAMPANT with super-gonorrhea. Gross.