I always thought it was just a coincidence that football and church fell on the same day of the week. I mean, I guess I always did notice that on certain Sundays my dad was still in his pajamas drinking a beer and watching TV as I was being ushered out into freezing temperatures to listen to an hour long, guilt-ridden sermon. Now, though, I realize this isn’t a coincidence. I see that there is no way that God didn’t plan for football to fall on Sundays. One word: consolidation.

Because every Sunday, he gets to dole out one single favor to everyone, whether or not they’re sitting in pews. Millions of men around the country say a little prayer in their head asking, nay, BEGGING, for their team to win, or their fantasy player to score, or for Tony Romo to break his collar bone. God gets to barter his services to just about every human on the planet on one day, and then can spend the rest of the week riding cloud unicorns and eating pizza (I assume that’s what heaven’s like). A one day work week! AWESOME!

You can’t please everyone, though. Stevie Johnson, wide receiver for the Buffalo Bills, for example.

He missed a potentially game winning pass, and decided that it wasn’t his dismal playing, it was God’s fault. God, who he praises “24/7” did not come through by making his legs run faster and his hands be more accurate. So OBVIOUSLY the next logical step was to announce this publicly via Twitter.

I’m sure this won’t backfire at all.