Currently, the weather in the fair city of San Diego has taken a disastrous turn. Grey clouds litter our normally blue sky and a for some strange reason there is this liquid substance falling from the sky which strangely forces people to drive terribly and my flip flops to be unsuitable shoe choices. It’s completely back-ass-wards, but apparently the storm is supposed to let up by tomorrow. Thank god. In light of the warming weather, I have decided to compile a list of the rules for Spring Dress, assuming you live in a perfect-weather city like our own (present moment excluded). If you live in some city like Fargo, then never mind.

For the ladies:

• Dress your shape. I get that it’s getting warmer and you want to keep cool, but there are ways to dress for the weather without looking like your body is trying to squeeze itself out of a sausage casing. Billowy shirts and skirts are a great way to escape the heat even if you’re on the curvy side, and also, eating healthier and exercising is a thing that exists. No offense.
• Jumpers are back. You will not escape the jumper. Try as you might, everywhere you go these days, the jumper is staring at you, screaming in your face. Give in to the jumper, you will not be disappointed.
• Ditch the jean skirt. It’s tired and overdone. Jean shorts will never go out of style, but the skirt has an air of trashiness to it that worked back in 2000, but it’s now ten years later. Burn it.

For the gentlemen:

• Tank tops are okay. However, if you are rocking a farmer’s tan that would impress even Uncle Henry milking a cow, get some sun before you wear that thing anywhere but the beach. Note: the tank top that you made from your high school’s senior t-shirt- the one that’s ripped down to the waist- BURN IT.
• Upgrade your board shorts. One board shorts purchase a year should be sufficient enough to have a decent spring wardrobe. If you’re still sporting black board shorts with nautical stars on them, you should feel the sharp stick of shame in your ribs.
• No-no’s: jean shorts. Cargo shorts. Basketball jerseys. Tennis shoes with black socks. Actually, tennis shoes with any type of exposed socks. Wearing sunglasses on the back of your head. Shirts with sparkles.

This dress code may seem rigid, but trust us when we say you will not regret following these rules. Summer is almost here!