I remember explaining to my little brother when he was about 8 years old that the world wasn’t always a happy place. Bad things just happen, and there is nothing you can do about it, so it’s important to embrace and really appreciate all the good parts of life, like your family and friends and trips to Disneyland and a surprise snow storm that lets you stay home and watch cartoons all day. I had to tell him this because this kid across the street took his limited edition Charizard Pokemon card and pulled it out of its protective packaging, but I hope that he still remembers that important tidbit of advice now, when he hears this much worse news: Snooki is pregnant. The end of the world is closer than ever.

According to Radar Online, Snooki, the tiny orange butterball from The Jersey Shore, is secretly with child with her juicehead boyfriend Jionni LaVelle. With recent Tweets like, “I feel sick,” and “late night craving…” as well as reports that she has been telling her friends to “expect a big announcement soon,” it seems as though Radar might be right on the money with this one.

So, my dear friends and readers, I think it’s time we stock up on water and canned goods and call our families and tell them we love them, because this is it – the end of times. I believe I remember reading once in the Bible that the anti-Christ was to be born of a “drunk, rust colored biscuit”, and now it’s all beginning to make sense. All we can do is hold on tight to one another, close our eyes, and hope the end is quick and painless. I love you guys. See you on the other side.