A couple days ago, a friend of mine remarked that I resembled one of the contestants on the reality show The Bachelor, to which I responded, “THE BACHELOR IS STILL ON?” I had no idea that a show that requires fame-hungry women to make asses of themselves for a chance at a sham marriage with a fame-hungry guy could POSSIBLY still be interesting to people. But here it is, 16 seasons later, still being watched by thousands of women who either a) genuinely believe that a love connection can be made on scripted television, or b) enjoy watching train wrecks. I hope to GOD it’s the second one, but I doubt it.

And how, you might ask, do I KNOW WITH ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY that this show is about nothing more than parading beautiful people around and stirring up ratings? Because last night on The Bachelor, the women were lead up a hill…

and then forced to SKI DOWN A FAKE SKI SLOPE ON A SAN FRANCISCO HILL IN THEIR BIKINIS SO THE BACHELOR COULD JUDGE THEM AND THEN DECIDE IF THEY WERE WORTHY OF MARRYING.

Ah yes, nothing inspires the sound of wedding bells like a bunch of chicks debasing themselves of national TV for a guy who doesn’t give a flying you-know-what about them.