I would like to think that the writers at Cosmopolitan went to college for writing, or journalism, or English, or The Art of Coming of With Names For Vaginas, or something. With that assumption comes the second assumption that said writers also went to high school, and therefore took at least a couple science classes, where they learned about movement and physics and Newton’s laws. However, based on this sex position they share on their website, I have to think that maybe Cosmo is made up of a bunch of 3rd grade boys who like boobies but don’t really understand gravity or its laws.

Let me introduce the “Rock-a-bye Booty” position:

First of all, although these strange, androgynous stick figures may not depict, two human beings doing this would be ridiculous. The leg entanglement would be impossible for any couple that aren’t the exact same height, and the arm linking under the knees is just a cherry on the logistically-impossible cake.

Second, as Cosmo points out in their “Why You’ll Love It” section:

By “limits the thrusting possibilities,” I think they mean “makes any sort of movement nearly impossible.” It’s like this is some inside joke between the writers of this column, and they laugh and laugh in their offices, thinking about an awkward couple (the type that takes sex tips from a women’s magazine) trying to get into this position, and then writhing against each other for 30 seconds until they realize they look like a fleshy crab that’s stuck on its back on the beach.

Congrats, Cosmo. You outdid yourself in terms of stupid sex tips this week! Gold medal!