Dolphins, THEY’RE JUST LIKE US!

According to a new scientific report, there had been some confusion in the marine biology world as they noticed dolphins would randomly group up and beat the ever living sh*t out of porpoises, even daring to kick around the carcass for a few minutes after it’s dead. From the report:

The dolphins chased the porpoises at high speed, rammed and then drowned them. In one particularly violent attack, three dolphins corralled their victim before seven others joined them to ram the porpoise to death. Cotter found most shocking the fact that two dolphins remained behind to play with the carcass before pushing it towards his boat.

EESH, right? Scientists were confused by this phenomenon as porpoises are not their natural enemy and don’t compete for food. After a bit of research, however, they realized that all the dolphins involved in the attacks were young adult males, and began to suspect that they were acting out their sexual frustration in a violent manner. Not unlike MMA fighters and high school bullies, dolphin males do not react well when they aren’t getting laid.

Perhaps we should enact a Big Brother Little Dolphin program to group our sexually frustrated mammals together. WAIT WAIT NO NOT LIKE THAT, YOU PERVERT.