Gregg DeGuire/WireImage.com, Jim Spellman/WireImage.com

The joy and romance of a new marriage. Everyone enters it and spends the next few months being like, MARRIAGE this and MARRIAGE that and blah blah you should get married you have no idea what love is, and then POOF they hate each other. It’s like there comes a point where biology overtakes the psyche and the deepest inner animalistic instincts kick in and you realize “what the hell am I doing? I’m in my mid twenties, there are at least fifty to two hundred (SCIENCE, YOU GUYS) years left for me to fall into a relationship that can stand the test of time and prostate-related incontinence issues!”

And as expected, that seems to be what happened with Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson: after only two years of marriage the couple have decided to call it quits. As to be expected, their announcement sounds cordial enough:

“After long and careful consideration on both our parts, we’ve decided to end our marriage. We entered our relationship with love and it’s with love and kindness we leave it. While privacy isn’t expected, it’s certainly appreciated.”

Unfortunately, we all assumed that the two hottest people in Hollywood would be bound by a hot-contract to stay together and populate the world with equally sexy offspring, so no one was really prepared for a break up of this magnitude. The #1 most important thing to remember here is to stay calm, everyone, we all have an equal opportunity to swoop one of them up (actually that’s wrong, some of us have a better chance than others [me]). They will both be on the rebound and surely need time to wallow before they start looking for new mates, so take a few deep breaths, get to the gym, and start working on losing the holiday poundage before you begin the stalking process. Also, because I’m delivering you the news, I am allowed first dibs on the one with the penis, SO BACK OFF, LADIES.