Have you ever wanted to consume a 25 oz. margarita in the blazing heat of July? Or see a really pasty white guy in nothing but ass-less chaps, making out with another dude in nothing but ass-less chaps? Or stand too close to three super obese women in body paint? I’m sure you do, so pencil it into your calendar for next year that you need to go to San Diego’s Annual Pride festival, which celebrates gay rights and also margaritas and also ass-less chaps.

Yours truly hit up the celebrations yesterday and as expected, it was a balls-to-the-wall s***-show. Didn’t make it this year? Let me present you the top 5 things you will see at San Diego Pride in 2011.

1. Every type of gay person that exists

Not only the aforementioned ass-less chaps couple and overweight naked chicks, but also big hairy biker gays, lipstick lesbians, cross-dressers and trannies so convincing you’d never know that in 1999 they they had a full beard and massive trouser snake. Oh and usually some guy with Jesus pamphlets who is occasionally picks up male prostitutes.

2. A straight guy acting like he doesn’t mind,

when you can tell he totally does because he’s gripping his girlfriend’s hand with vice-like strength and you can practically hear him screaming “OH GOD I’M STRAIGHT PLEASE KNOW I’M STRAIGHT”

3. Someone with alcohol poisoning

Let me tell you something: the gays know how to PARTY. They pour heavy-handed drinks and don’t charge a lot for them. This, coupled with the heat-wave that hit this weekend (FINALLY), and you’re gonna find some guy in a Playboy bunny get-up passed out on 6th avenue. It’s inevitable.

4. Unexpected celebrity appearances

Who would you guess Grand Marshalled the parade on Saturday? Andy Dick? Maybe the guy who played Jack in Will and Grace? Or an elderly woman fresh from her appearance on Dancing With the Stars? Yep, that’s right: Cloris Leachman riled up the crowd with her frail 80-year-old arthritis ridden body from atop a float and did it like a pro. Weird.

5.  Me

You’ll see me there, decked out in my finest rainbow attire, chugging tequila and losing my debit card, sunglasses, and dignity. Trust me, it will not be a moment to forget. See you next year!