Please Don’t Rub Your Junk on Pepperoni and Then Put It Back
Some days, you just feel off. Maybe you ate something weird last night that’s not agreeing with your stomach. Or you watched a sad documentary that’s put you in a bummer mood. Or maybe you’re in the midst of a crazy dry spell and are both horny and depressed at the same time, making masturbation unpleasant and your day just plain miserable.
I can understand if, during one of these off-days, you get some strange urges. Like a car steals a parking spot and you want to key it. Or you see a bike unattended and think “I’m gonna take that thing, because f*ck the world!” Or maybe you walk into a grocery store and have a strong desire to grab a packaged pepperoni off the shelf, rub your junk on it, and the put it back and leave like nothing happened.
I understand weird urges, but please, guys – DON’T RUB YOUR JUNK ON THE PEPPERONI AND THEN PUT IT BACK.
Via Gawker:
“A Potsdam, New York, man was arrested Wednesday and charged with public lewdness for allegedly rubbing a grocery store’s packaged pepperoni stick on his exposed penis and then putting it back on the shelf.
John Allison, 41, had a sudden late-night craving for fondling cured meat, so he drove to the Hannaford in Massena and proceeded to do his thing.
Unfortunately for Allison, a loss prevention security officer was observing his shenanigans on closed-circuit TV and got the entire thing on tape.
Sadly, the footage has not been released for public amusement.”
First of all, Mr. Allison, whatever happened that put you in this funk is NOT THE FAULT of the person who is about to purchase that packaged pepperoni. It could be a single mother of four, who wants to make a homemade pizza for her kid’s birthday. It could be an elderly man, making himself a meat and cheese board to eat alone because his wife just died. It could be a church group, putting together a food basket for homeless people. AND YOU JUST RUBBED YOUR DICK ON THEIR FOOD BASKET, YOU JERK.
If you’re seriously curious what it’s like to rub two meat sticks together, just login to OnlineBootyCall. We have tons of curious dudes looking to try something new. And then at least you be on the news for RUBBING YOUR PENIS ON PEOPLES’ GROCERIES.
