Apparently it’s not just middle schools that need a tutorial on how to put a condom on a banana, it’s businesses and nursing homes too! According to a report by the Family Planning Association, almost 13,000 middle-aged men and women in the UK were diagnosed with a sexually-transmitted infection last year – double the number in 2000. Cases of genital herpes, chlamydia, and genital warts have all increased substantially over the last decade, leaving scientists to wonder why older adults are so oblivious to using protection.

The FPA claims that this is all due to higher divorce rates, which leads to people dating into their older years by way of social networking sites and online dating. I know I’m no Sherlock Holmes, but if I had to pinpoint the culprit that is spreading this scourge of STIs around the world, I’d put the blame on… wait for it…

COUGARS.

All these sexy, newly single older women are hitting the town, bringing home young guys from the bar every weekend (and because their ovaries are the size of raisins at this point) don’t feel the need to make the dudes wear sausage casings. And what are these young guys carrying around with them from bar to bar? That’s right — grotesque venereal diseases. So these cougars, exercising their femininity and freedom, are actually just trafficking the clap and warts around the club scene.

Just consider that the nest time you think of hopping in a cab with that MILF. She may be hot, but she may also be the New York City subway-system rat of the hook up world. If anything, do not forget to double wrap.