Welcome back, #teamSINGLE! How was your weekend? Did you get to use some of our tips for getting laid? Or did you, like someone I know, get thrown against a wall by a bout of the flu so bad it felt like maybe your insides were revolting and trying to secede from your body? Well, either way, no time to complain, because we’re back to the week with another reason not to get married:

Your husband might shoot you for accidentally putting on the lid of a ketchup bottle too tight.

According to MSN, 86-year-old Lawrence Loeffler was arrested last week for shooting and killing his 83-year-old wife for, among other reasons, “put[ting] the lid on the ketchup bottle too tightly.”

According to prosecutor Mary Anderson, via MSN:

“Lawrence Loeffler took the phone off the hook, retrieved a .25-caliber handgun in the middle of the night from the bedroom where she slept and then “set a trap” to get his wife onto the deck at the back of their house.

He shot her once in the neck and then again in the head in what he described to investigators as a “kill shot” to make sure she was dead.”

According to the source, Loeffler originally stated the shooting was in self defense, but eventually admitted to police that he planned the shooting “after a series of grievances with his family that prosecutors said included the failure of his stepdaughter to wish him a happy birthday and his complaint that his wife put the lid on the ketchup bottle too tightly.”

Now, of course this could be the product of dementia and delusions, considering that Loeffler is in his 8th decade on the planet. However, there’s something to be said for so many little irritations between a couple that a tough condiment lid leads you to want to blast the head of someone you’ve been married to for years.

So, why wait to get married? Well, can you imagine what Miley might have gone redneck ape-shit over when SHE turned 85 and had been married to Liam Hemsworth for 64 YEARS???