I got really addicted to the show ‘Heavy’ last season on A&E. Like its predecessor, Intervention, Heavy provided for me an hour of entertainment that was not just gross, shocking, and somewhat disturbing, but also strangely comforting. Something like “well at least I’m not THAT bad,” as I broke into my second box of Cheez-its of the night.

Needless to say, the season is over, but the Obviously Obvious news about obese people is not – according to a study by Truls Ostbye, documented in the USA Today Sex & Relationships column, obese people tend to have less satisfied, sexually, than the general population. Overweight women, especially, were unsatisfied, even less satisfied than cancer survivors, who the scientist studied back in 2006.

Now, I say this is obviously obvious because DUH, fat people are going to be less comfortable taking their clothes off and writhing on top of each other. DUH. But also duh because based on my research (watching Heavy twice a week for six months), extremely obese people have trouble even walking a quarter of a mile, let alone holding up their vehicle-sized torsos. And also DUH, save for some people who have “BBW” in their recent search history, obesity isn’t normally a quality people look for in a mate.

“Well, I’d like someone who shares my love of wine tasting, who loves animals, and who has a BMI in the morbidly obese range. I know, I know – too good to be true!”

So thanks, USA Today Sex and Relationships column, you really taught us an important lesson today: I should get into the science field because apparently you can just ask fat people questions for a living.