Welcome, readers, to your weekly dose of a female staffer pretending she knows anything about sports or physical activity of any kind! In this weeks episode: FOOTBALL! The sport I could have sworn ended like, a month ago is apparently back in full swing, with something called a “draft,” which I thought was a handwritten essay from 10th grade.

The hilarious writers over at The Asylum have come up with a drinking game to commemorate the new draft broadcast system. The draft starts airing tonight at 7:30 PM on the only channel men care about: ESPN.

Here are the rules for the NFL Draft Drinking Game:

Drink once:

1. each time Mel Kiper Jr. says one of his trademark phrases: “value pick,” “need pick,” “best available” and “that’s a reach.”
2. every time Kiper’s hair is referenced by another ESPN analyst.
3. every time an ESPN personality compliments a player’s suit.
4. each time one of the following is mentioned: Ryan Leaf, JaMarcus Russell, Matt Millen, Akili Smith, Ki-Jana Carter, Brian Bosworth, Tim Couch.
5. each time an analyst uses one of the following buzzwords or phrases to describe a player: “he’s raw”,”intangibles”,”body control”,”physical tackler”,”battle-tested”,”proven winner”,”arm length”,”gets stuck on blocks”,”release point”,”game speed”, or “low center of gravity”
6. every time Kiper and Todd McShay interrupt one another (this could get dangerous).

Find out the rest of the rules over at The Asylum!