Back in my day, we used to use a combination of diet and exercise to lose weight. You whippersnappers will never know the misery of cutting down your calorie intake, eating lots of fruits and vegetables, and working out for an hour… YES, AN HOUR! three to four times a week to improve health and fitness. It was hell, HELL I TELL YOU!!!

— Our generation in the year 2050

Do you remember when Jenny Craig first made a splash on the diet scene? How about Atkins? Or The Zone? All of these “revolutionary” dieting techniques are slowly getting phased out by medical science that basically says, “No, please, don’t try. Just let us cut your stomach open and bolt a metal ring into it. Then you’ll be so uncomfortable every time you eat that you’ll have to stop, and wha-la! you’re swimming in extra skin layers. Done and done!”

And then there’s this new fad. “Fire-cupping” is a homeopathic technique which utilizes heated (usually by fire) glass jars, applied to the back, to supposedly “help to restore stomach function and reduce appetite. “

Cool! So all I have to so is apply 30 burning glass jars to my skin, creating repulsive welts and bruises and then I won’t have to go on that horrible horrible elliptical anymore? SIGN ME UP.