If you recall this past Monday, I was very excited because the world stopped ending for a minute. I owe the pleasant tone of yesterdays posts to that misguided information. Signing onto the internetz today, though, yielded some rather unfortunate news: yup, the world’s still ending.

EXHIBIT A: It is currently snowing in 49 out of the 50 states

All except Florida. That’s right- even in Hawaii. EVEN IN HAWAII. So, even if I were in some alternate universe where I had a ton of extra cash and wanted to escape the frozen wasteland that is the contiguous United States I COULDN’T, because nature is throwing a mighty F-U at all of us. Probably because of chocolate chip pancake wrapped sausage on a stick.

EXHIBIT B: Millions of crickets used as reptile food are dying of a paralysis virus

GREAT. So now, when the snakes are hungry, where are they going to go to feed? Not the empty swamp. Not the desert. THE SEWERS, and then housing pipes, and then BOOM: TOILET SNAKES. You didn’t think the death of crickets would be all that big a deal, did you? And now for the rest of your life you’re going to have to do the “hover” move over any toilet because most likely there is an anaconda waiting to eat your testicles. Just FYI.

*I was just informed by someone that most snakes don’t eat crickets anyway, but I think they’re just trying to make me die off first because I am a minority.

EXHIBIT C: Thousands of dead fish washed up on a Chicago lakefront

Sure, whatever, the whole “herds of dead animals everywhere” thing is getting kinda played out, and in this Tweeting, Netflix, iPhone-going-to-Verizon world, two weeks is far too long to continue paying attention to the same story. Especially when many scientists have shaken their heads in embarrassment and been like, “no, dude, this happens all the time.” BUT STILL, OKAY. Just because it’s fish and birds and crickets no one cares because EW, but if all of a sudden 2000 dead puppies were found on the side of the road then maybe people would listen and start buying canned goods. I just hope you don’t go for the jalapeño spiced refried beans cause I bought them all.

See you on the other side, people.