I should probably re-title this “Mark Sanchez Slept With a 17-year-old, But It’s Legal in New York So That’s Okay, I Guess, Except She’s in High School Which is Weird, But Really the 17-Year-Old is Kind of the Villain in this Story.”

That’s the whole story, summed up in one sentence. According to a report by Deadspin, the Jets quarterback met our young “victim” “E.K.” at a nightclub in Manhattan on New Years Eve (which begs the question, who allows their high school daughter to go to a nightclub on New Years Eve in Manhattan? Whatever), and must have thought she was really cute. They flirted a bit and exchanged numbers, but when Mr. Sanchez reminded her that he couldn’t see her until she was 18, she replied coyly, “17 is legal in New York.” Minus one for our alleged victim right there.

Fast forward to a few weeks later and that seductive little line must have been ringing in Mark’s ears ever since, because he got in contact with E.K via text later that month. Deadspin graciously provided us with a screen shot of the little lady’s Facebook status update (see below) which stated, nay, screamed, “MARK F***ING SANCHEZ JUST TEXTED ME,” which proves one or both of the following: a) she’s SEVENTEEN, and/or b) she’s a fame-hungry Manhattan woman without a shred of discretion.

According to E.K, Mark even provided her and her friends with tickets to the Jets – Bills game, and then took her to a fancy dinner at Nobu later that week. After the Nobu dinner is where the BIG MOMENT HAPPENED. When asked if she hooked up with the NFL quarterback after the Nobu dinner, she replied, “yeah. We went back to his place in Jersey after dinner. He lives on a golf course. There was a big storm.” Because apparently she’s planning on writing a romance novel about this and needs every scenic detail to capture the full essence of the situation.

Although, we suppose it couldn’t have been all that romantic considering she snapped a bunch of pictures of his room, probably while he was going through his condom arsenal closet looking for something that would appeal to a girl who still listens to Justin Bieber. Another strike on Miss Innocent’s record, don’t you think?

Over the course of the following weeks, Mark apparently texted her a few times, usually at 2 am on a weeknight, which (NEWS FLASH) is something 24 year old guys do, except (ALSO NEWS FLASH) she had HIGH SCHOOL in the morning. BLARGH this story should be in a textbook on human stupidity.

Blah, blah, blah, EK begins communicating with Deadspin and agrees to share her story, and then blah blah blah she changes her mind, and then she’s in contact with the Jets, and then she tries to convince Deadspin to air the story by saying a “deceitful friend” sold it to them, and all of a sudden were in a marshland of high school drama combined with a multi-billion dollar industry, or what one might call a “SH*TSTORM.“

Now E.K.’s lawyers are involved and we’re sure the situation is going to get real messy, but until then, class, what have we learned?

1. Legal or not, 17 year olds are STILL CHILDREN and will act like it given ANY opportunity.

2. 24 year olds, even if they’re millionaires, are kind of STILL CHILDREN and will act like it given any opportunity.

3. BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING. It’s 2011. I have Facebook on my phone at EVERY MOMENT. There are no secrets, especially if you are a celebrity.

We look forward to seeing how this plays out, and wish Sanchez good luck on this one. TEAM SANCHEZ ALL THE WAY, EVEN IF HE IS A HUGE IDIOT.