Man With No Teeth Bites Neighbors Penis Over Loud Xbox
I am fervently anti-video game. Whether it’s a dude holed up playing WoW for 36 hours straight or guys reveling in the grotesque violence of Grand Theft Auto, I just don’t approve. Plus, it always seems like people can’t just play video games at a normal volume. They have to turn it up loud enough that it ACTUALLY sounds like people are throwing mortars into your apartment. It’s infuriating.
So I kinda get where the argument started between two men in the UK. According to Gawker, Jason Martin was found guilty in his home town of Kent after he BIT INTO HIS NEIGHBOR’S PENIS after an argument over loud Xbox music. His neighbor, Richard Henderson, says he sent Martin a text asking him to turn down the volume, but when Martin refused, the two got into a full fledged fight which ended when Martin bit down on Henderson’s penis so hard it required stitches.
Martin denied the claim, saying it was impossible because of his (hilariously stereotypical British) lack of teeth. Via the source:
He told the jury: ‘I have only got a couple of teeth in the lower part of my mouth. I can’t even bite into a hard-boiled egg.
‘I am not homosexual and there is no way I would put a man’s penis in my mouth. Even the thought of it makes me sick.’
He was asked to show the jury his lack of teeth, saying he had dentures but only used them ‘for cosmetic reasons’.
He added: ‘I accept that I did grab his testicles, not maliciously or to hurt him badly.’
He said he went to the neighbour’s flat because he thought the complaint was unfair and was grabbed by Mr Henderson, who then tried to ram his head into a metal staircase.
Martin broke down in the witness box during his trial and wept after admitting he had told police officers: ‘I have not done anything to him’
He said: ‘I had just grabbed around Mr Henderson. I didn’t realise at the time that I had done anything to him.
‘It was just a rat bite. I just grabbed into an area. I didn’t realise at the time it was his testicles.’
Judge Adele Williams asked: ‘You must have felt his penis and testicles in your hand?’
Martin replied: ‘I didn’t know if it was his penis or his testicles or his upper leg or arm. I didn’t know what it was. I was just getting beaten up and I was scared.’
See, guys, HE AIN’T GAY, so why would he bite another man’s dick? That’s just straight up GAY.
Moral of the story? Guys (and ladies), TURN DOWN THE DAMN VIDEO GAMES. You might end up getting your junk chewed on by an ogre. Gross.
