Chalk this one up as a win for #teamSINGLE – this poor Canadian guy was so nervous to tell his wife that he didn’t get them tickets to Oprah’s final show, that he faked a MUGGING.

According to Gawker, Robert Spearing and his wife packed up their car in Ontario and planned to drive all the way to Chicago for Oprah’s Farewell Spectacular, which was set to film last Tuesday. It must have been the most awkwardly tense drive of the 44-year-old’s life, though, because he didn’t actually have tickets for them. His plan was already set in motion, though, and played out on Monday, when he showed up to a police station with some scrapes and bruises and reported that two men (one black and one Hispanic, of course) had mugged him and stolen his Oprah tickets.

The police were immediately suspicious, because a) why would two middle-aged men care about an Oprah taping, and b) how would they even know he HAD tickets? It didn’t take much more questioning to figure out that Spearing never had tickets, and he faked the mugging (and scraped himself up) to avoid having to tell his wife he didn’t get them tickets.

He was charged with felony disorderly conduct for filing a false police report and spent the night in jail, after which he was bailed out by a “relative,” (note: not his wife).

Reason #22,780 not to get married: your wife might have your balls in such a vice that you’d rather commit a felony and beat your head against a rock than make her mad. WOOF.