It’s times like these that I want to take a page out of the Mormons’ book and start going on missions trips to areas that don’t yet know about the wonders of online dating (and specifically OnlineBootyCall). Had we taken a “sexual mission trip” to Brownhelm Township, Ohio, this horrible story might not have happened:

According to Gawker, a sex-deprived man in the township “stole a semi and crashed it into [AdultMart], making off with a $800 ‘life-like masturbator complete with female genitalia with legs and buttocks.'” He was able to escape on foot and is still on the lam, so if anyone in Ohio has seen a dude in a restaurant sitting across from a sex doll and having a full-on conversation, you should call the police, cause that poor fake woman has been kidnapped and is probably being horrifically abused.

Although Gawker claims that the township’s population of women is ZERO, we believe that if this man had OBC in his heart (or at his computer) he might have been able to find a nice lady in a nearby city to hook up with, instead of committing multiple felonies just to get down with a fake vagina.