A human man in a sexual relationship with a vehicle? OLD NEWS BORING NO THANKS SNOOZE. This is the age of the internet and now basically there’s no relationship that exists that could possibly freak us out. Thanks, Rule 34. Although we’re 100% #TeamHuman, we get now that there are peeps out there who would take a raunchy grind with a balloon over a hook up with a sexy local single PERSON any day.

Still, even we have to be impressed with this PLAYA, who claims he’s gotten down an’ dirtay with OVER 700 CARS over the past 5 decades. Edward Smith, age 63, says he’s had sexual relationships with cars since he was 14, when he lost his auto-virginity to  super sensual curvy Volkswagen Bug.

But HOW? You ask? How does a man make love to a car? Does he have his way with the gas tank (that CAN’T be good for its fuel efficiency)? Does the gear stick come into “play”? Nah, it’s not nearly that exciting. Via The Mirror:

Explaining how it is possible to make love to a car, Edward added: “It has to do with the body itself. I’m not really attracted to any sort of, may I say, penetration.

“It is hugging and holding the shape of the car close to me and actually talking to it a little bit. And then of course, the rest is just physical satisfaction – masturbation is, I guess, the word.”

“It is done with the car, by the car – next to it,” when pressed by Amanda for details.

After the literally HUNDREDS of cars he’s had booty calls with, you’d think this Hugh Hefner of automobiles would continue on his life as a Playboy forever… I mean it’s not like a Dodge Stratus is gonna turn him down, right? But no – according to the Mirror, Edward’s been in an almost monogamous relationship with “Vanilla,” a VW Bug, since 1982. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t occasionally stray into other lanes, though, if ya know what I mean. He still sometimes gets his BBW on with a Ford Ranger too, but claims that Vanilla doesn’t get jealous.

So… there’s that.

Happy Thursday everyone – can’t get much weirder than this!