Excuse me, gentlemen. We need to talk.

Your pick-up skills are getting super rusty. I’ve heard you drop the same lines to the same kinda girl like, 8 times in the last month. It’s getting sad to watch you. Even if you were, at one time, the Knight of Bootopia, in this new decade, your conquering skills are getting a little pathetic. So although it’s February, and the deadline for New Years Resolutions might be two months past, there is no reason not to make some new Booty-gettin’ Resolutions for the rest of 2010. Here are my humble suggestions to help you improve your success:rejection ratio.

1. Clean yourself up, Chubs.

I’m sorry for calling you Chubs. You’re not chubby, you’ve just… been drinking a little too much beer. I get it, we’ve all been there, it’s winter weight, right? But it’s February now, and Summer is coming. Hell, if you live in San Diego, summer is pretty much already here. So get your lazy butt to the gym and maybe, just maybe get a haircut. Looks might not be everything, but they sure are the first thing, and no lady wants to get approached by a dude who looks like Al Bundy. (No offense. I loved Married With Children.)

2. Move away from the ol’ stomping grounds.

Far be it for me to judge those who frequent the same hang outs. I’ve been going to the same bar for so long that I have my own designated puking stall in the ladies restroom. Classy, I know. But still, guys, if you are a single man looking for some fresh lady parts to harass, move away from the dirty Irish pub down the street and venture somewhere new. A cool new wine bar, the coffee shop in a different part of town, maybe a different gym than the one you normally grunt at. Get yourself out of your comfort zone and try something new. Oh and for the love of god put on a collared shirt. You’re not sixteen anymore.

3. Be more openminded.

I’ve been noticing that you always go for the same scrawny blonde chicks everywhere you go. They usually look like they could be hot, if they cut back on the meth and ate a carb for once in their lives. Broaden your horizons, laddie! Walk up and strike up conversation with a girl who you’d normally not approach. Maybe she’s taller than you go for, or has dark hair and mysterious eyes. She’s probably got a different personality too, and that’s exciting considering you’ve all but run out of things to say about the drama of Jersey Shore.

4. Leave your douchey friend at home,

because he is a douche.

5. Stop, Look, and Listen.

Sure it’s a childhood phrase that refers to crossing the street. This is also your new pick up mantra. If you see a sexy little thing you wouldn’t mind taking home, stop! Don’t approach her right away. Check her out from across the room and if you make eye contact, hold it! Let her know it wasn’t an accident that you caught her eye. If you finally approach her, look into her eyes. Don’t be awkward. Don’t be creepy. Don’t be shy. You are a grown up now, doing grown up things, and if I catch you staring at the floor I will slap your face off your face. And the third, most important pick up rule: listen! Listen to what she’s saying. Ask her questions and elaborate on them. Don’t “uh huh” “sure” “mmhmm” her, cause she’s got radar technology for that bull and she knows you’re not listening and you are DEFINITELY not  getting into her low rises tonight.

Buck up, Buster Brown. All hope is not lost. Take the rejection you’ve been experiencing, combine it with my advice, and this year you’ll be racking in the dough (re: booty) more than ever!