I’m not normally one for jealousy, but at this very moment it PAINS me to name this week’s Hump Day Hottie: Jessica Biel. While gorgeous and talented (and having one of the best asses in Hollywood), I have the inclination to despise this woman because she stole my future husband, singer/actor/designer/dancer/comedian/omnimpotent God Justin Timberlake.

Sure, he may have not known that we were meant to be together, but I was just waiting for the perfect moment (i.e. obtaining his address from a private investigator) to let him know that we were soul mates. But NOW MY FUTURE IS RUINED, due to the rumored news that he proposed to this bitch this week’s Hump Day Hottie over the holidays last year. I still held out hope that it was just a horrible joke, until she was spotted last weekend showing off the engagement ring THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MINE.

Needless to say, I can’t blame the guy. First of all, he hadn’t yet met me, and second – the woman is a bombshell. Her recent cover of W magazine proved such, and with the above photo included in the shoot, I suppose he’d be dumb NOT to lock that down.

I will spend the rest of my days mourning the loss of the love of my life, but at least for the rest of the day I can ogle this chick and maybe imagine them doing it because I bet it’s super hot.

Congrats, you man-stealing witch.