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As the days of December creep by, small businesses around the country are beginning to plan their holiday parties: putting up culturally-unspecific decorations in case that new tech support guy is Jewish, handing out Secret Santa cards, and putting plastic on all the chairs in case of spills/uncontrolled vomit. And although it maybe be your office manager and bosses who are busy making the place look festive, you should be taking the time to prepare yourself for the holiday party as well. Mentally, physically, and of course, emotionally.

Mentally:

Your brain will most likely shift into a mode that most scientists I call selective black out. You will wake up the following morning under your desk with dried vomit and Post-Its all over your face. You will remember that funny joke you told during your boss’ toast and that epic shot you made during the HR versus Accounting beer pong game. You will not remember walking in on your assistant taking a dump, or wandering the halls for two hours in your underwear singing the hit song from Dirty Dancing, “Time of My Life.” You will wonder why Greta, the 90-year-old copy lady, is looking at you like she’s seen your penis. Spoiler alert: it’s because she’s seen your penis.

This is called selective black-out. It’s your psyche’s natural mechanism to keep you from remembering the most embarrassing parts of the night, and it’s also a sign that you might be an alcoholic. In order to help ease the potential disaster your mental state will go through on this day, either a) don’t get so drunk (hahaha just kidding!) or b) rig your camera or cell phone to record everything you do throughout the night. That way, before you rise from beneath your desk like the Swamp Thing at dawn, you can get a quick idea of the wretched things you did the night before.

Physically:

You will want to eat before you go. Sure, the MS-Paint-produced invite says “food,” but that will likely consist of candy, some mysterious looking meatballs, and your least favorite type of chips (salt & vinegar, am I right?). So eat before, otherwise you will begin the process of taking shot after shot after shot until all of a sudden it’s 8:30 and you’re already face-down on the receptionist’s desk, crying like an abandoned kitten. EAT, I TELL YOU. EAT.  Also, prepare yourself for the inevitable by popping a few Ibuprofen before the night’s end, because there are few hangovers more wretched than the post-office party hangover. Something in the holiday-themed beverages or the suspicious Rice Krispy Treats Greta made or maybe just your immune system’s vengeance makes your brain pound, your stomach churn, and your equilibrium go haywire. Little-known fact: candy cane shards do not feel good coming back up.

Emotionally:

This is where we have to get serious. Sure you might have a bad hangover or an embarrassing story, but holiday party hi-jinks can get you into some real trouble if your emotions get the best of you! Maybe you have a little beef with a cubicle mate, or you’ve been itching to get something off your chest about someone’s promptness in replying to e-mails. The holiday party, after 14 martinis and a game of absinthe flip cup, is NOT the place to air your grievances, especially if one of them consists of telling your co-worker’s wife that you are and always have been in love with her, even if she is SO beautiful and her hair smells like apples right now. Unfortunately, the best way to keep your wits about you is to MAYBE resist that last shot. However, if that is not possible (it’s probably not possible), simply applying ultra-grade duct tape to your mouth is a basic, foolproof way to ensure you don’t go talkin’ nonsense and letting your emotions get the best of you. Also, interesting note about getting duct tape off your skin: you can’t.

Holiday office parties are a time to relax, let loose, and enjoy the company of your co-workers in a fun atmosphere. However, remember that what happens at the office party does not stay at the office party and in fact will haunt you until you quit and/or are fired for said activity. So keep your wits about you because New Years is just weeks away and 2011 is supposed to be totally SICK. Happy Holidays from the OBC offices to yours, and don’t forget: apologize to Greta for that penis thing.