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I remember as a kid, I loved December. I always had an advent calendar, you know those cardboard things with the doors with chocolate things inside, and we’d get a Christmas tree and bake cookies and hang stockings and everyday until the Christmas Eve seriously lasted an ETERNITY. And then you hit like, 25 and suddenly your presents turn into unlabeled bags of pre-opened socks and used Chapstick. And then it’s like WHAT HAPPENED TO CHRISTMAS VACATION and WTF now I have to buy gifts? and HOLY SH*T IT’S NEW YEARS and then you realize, you are now a responsible grown up, and being responsible blows. And so does getting up early in the cold. And so does scraping ice off your windshield, and so does paying heating bills, and so does EVERYTHING.

In light of these new, miserable advances in 12th-month-of-the-year psychology, BCU has decided to piece together a small advice chart to help you survive the tough problems of December.

Problem one: IT IS FREEZING AND I CAN’T AFFORD TO RUN MY HEATER

Solution: Seal your drafty areas, load the place with blankets, and work up a sweat.

If you’re like me, you live in an apartment that was apparently insulated with one layer of tissue paper, and somehow, sometimes it is actually COLDER inside than it is outside.  NOT COOL, PHYSICS. In this situation, your best bet is to make sure all window seals and door jams are sealed with either one of these things, or if you’re as lazy as me, several old, dirty towels. Keep warm blankets in every area, from the couches to the bathroom to the kitchen (fun tip: try not to set yourself on fire!). And lastly, get your exercise on. If you’re super freezing in the AM, do a hundred jumping jacks or 10 pushups or like, Turbo Kick-box your cat or something. Get the blood flowing.

Problem two: THANKSGIVING MADE ME SO FAT

Solution: Spend this month reversing the effects

Cold months tend to make us over eat. Foods are heartier and less light, and chowders and stews and chili and cookies are not the best foods to be consuming if you’re trying to lose weight. Just think: you have exactly one month before New Years. Instead of falling prey to the “oh I’m just putting on winter weight” trend, be the only one of your friends looking svelte and sexy on New Years Eve. Take advantage of the fact that everyone is staying inside and hit the gym, and keep your portions small. Even if you don’t lose all the weight, trust us, by comparison you’ll look like a twig because by the 25th everyone looks like manatees stuffed in Christmas sweaters.

Problem three: HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET LAID WHEN I AM DRESSED LIKE THE CHILD FROM A CHRISTMAS STORY?

Solution: Probably stop dressing like the child from A Christmas Story

Just because it’s winter doesn’t mean you have to lose your style. I’m especially talking to you ladies. We seem to think that December gives us a free pass to layer jacket over ugly sweatshirt under bulky scarf and that we don’t lose sex appeal. FALSE. No one wants to hit on the Michelin man’s daughter with a thyroid problem. Invest in a more tapered jacket or one with a belt that emphasizes your curves. Plus, leaving the bulky sweatshirts in the closet ensures that you don’t have room for that seventh cookie, which… well, you know. Is a good thing.

Problem four: FAMILY.

Solution: Think positive, look for the good in everyone, lock up all firearms

The holidays are a special time of year when not only do you spend an inordinate amount of time with your family but ALSO they decide to be the worst. Somehow you go an entire year without problems and then all of a sudden its like World War II in your grandma’s living room and one side is the Allies and the other is the Axis and you are Sweden in the middle like, “Jesus Kristus, vad som händer?! Ni är alla galna!!!” So… in order to get through this difficult time, it’s important to remember that you don’t get to choose your family, so you might as well look for one aspect you love and ignore everything else because you can’t change them. Also, don’t get too drunk. Seriously guys. It will not end well.

Well, we hope you can sigh a bit of relief knowing that some of the stresses December brings are avoidable. Print this and keep it in your pocket, but don’t let your uncle see that I referred to him as a Nazi cause I don’t need anybody else trying to murder me. I am not kidding.