Assuming you don’t live in a wifi-less cave somewhere, you’re probably aware that football, the almighty sport of American-icity, the most joyous time of year and the most impeccable display of manhood and athleticism that exists in our fine nation, is almost here. And that means: fantasy football draft parties. And in this time of uncertainty where our oceans are one-fourth oil and people are dying from breakfast diseases, you’ve got to enjoy life the best you can… by throwing the most kick-ass draft party mankind has ever seen. Here are BCU’s top 6 tips to throwing a mind-blowingly unforgettable draft party.

1) Throw it on a Sunday

Once football season starts, Sunday is the new weekend. Friday and Saturday are still cool, I guess, but the real party starts around 10 am on Sunday, when you perfectly synchronize the first beer-can open with the morning kick-off. Having your draft on a Sunday mid-morning is your warm up for the coming 22 weeks of Sunday beer fests. The beer pre-season, if you will.

2) Kick it old school

I know that all fantasy drafts are done online these days, but to get the true excitement of a draft, a gigantic board, Post-Its, and lots of men with clipboards are NECESSITIES. For one hour, drop technology and get back to your man roots, complete with fist shaking, yelling at God for not letting you get your first choice of offensive linemen, and verbally and/or physically abusing your best friend. If you’re a die-hard fan, check out this magnetic draft board from FS Gear, and if you’re saving all your money for beer and food (me), you can make your own with instructions from Guy’sGirl.

3) Induct a lady

Assuming you don’t have any women in your fantasy league (and if you do… well… I’m not sexist, so… have fun with that.), you’ll need to hire one to work the board. If you have a UFC octagon girl on hand, these work best because they are already comfortable being in bikinis around douche bags. If not, get someone’s girlfriend/wife/baby mama to slip on some short shorts, a jersey, and a stop watch, and start the sexual harassment. Just kidding. That’s inappropriate*.

4) COLLECT.

Assuming you don’t have a vagina, you’re putting money on this fantasy league. Also assuming you are a man, you will DEMAND that everyone deposit their money into the draft winnings box upon entrance to the draft party. Trust us when we say we’ve seen too many good men walk away from a flawless season with less than the promised winnings because some douche bag never paid up (blah blah blah medical bills NO ONE CARES). Generally, people who don’t pay up are the same people who stop playing midway through the season. These people are what we like to call “summer soldiers” or “half-assing sh-t stains.”

5) One minute per pick. No more, no less.

Just like seatbelt requirements and laws that you can’t pee into a mail box, even if there is no bathroom around and no one is watching and it didn’t even hurt anyone, there are rules for a reason. And one of those reasons is because people will take for fricken’ EVER to pick if you let them. The one minute limit is necessary, and also awesome, because watching your good for nothing cousin break down under the pressure is hilarious.

6) The post-draft beer/snacks/pizza/party

I’ve found that the best way to ensure you don’t spend an arm and a leg is to make your draft party into a pot-luck, where everyone brings a twelve pack of their favorite beer and an appetizer to share. Then, midway through the draft, order the pizza so it shows up just in time for the post-draft party to begin. Spend the next 8 to 17 hours (depending on your ability to work hungover on Monday) chugging beer, demeaning each other’s picks, and miming the ostensibly homo-erotic things your team is going do to another team throughout the season. Note: any person who brings Wyder’s Pear Cider or Mike’s Hard Lemonade should definitely be kicked squarely in the taint.

Well, that’s about it. Follow our foolproof tips for your draft party, and it will undoubtedly be the best day of the fantasy season. LET THE GAMES BEGIN.

* Totally appropriate