Fat Tuesday is upon us and I’m sure your sitting at you’re desk or your kiosk just waiting for the clock to signal the end of the day so you can take a beer in the shower and prep for the big night. However, before this event goes down, we need to talk. We’ve discussed the Dos and Don’ts of Mardi Gras before and I’m sure you all followed those exactly to a T, right? RIGHT?

This year we’re taking a more organized approach, giving  you a play by play on how you’ll want your night to go if you want to have a successful holiday (and by successful I obviously mean getting you laid).

1. Do not take FAT Tuesday literally

It’s a bit late for this, but hopefully you’ve begun your yearly “slim down for Spring Break” diet, because purple and gold and green are NOT slimming colors. If you’ve been inhaling Twinkies like it’s your job recently, you might want to get a last minute spray tan or lipo or something, because the next step is going to fail miserably if you’re packing on the pounds.

2. Wear something OBNOXIOUS.

Women like confidence, and nothing exudes more confidence than dressing ridiculously without any shame. The key on an in-your-face holiday such as this is to somehow stand out from the crowd of drunken, flamboyant hooligans. Something like this gem will turn a few heads and show the ladies you’re confident AF. Remember – the key word here is confidence, so don’t look like a bashful kid whose mom dressed him for the first day of school. FLAUNT IT.

3. Talk about powerful women

March is Women’s History Month. Use this to your advantage. Take a few minutes to research great women in HERstory (sorry) so you can be the one guy in the bar who isn’t screaming SHOW ME YOUR BOOBS every five minutes. Find a feminist who won’t get turned on by a guy talking about women’s suffrage and you won’t be suffering at the end of the night, ifyouknowwhatwemean.

4. Don’t get black out drunk

I know, I know. It’s the day of indulgence, but you are going to be surrounded by some of the most drunk human beings on the planet this evening, and just by toning it down a BIT, you’ll be yards ahead of the competition. My best tips for keeping your wits about you: make sure you eat a hearty meal before you go out, double fist with water, avoid any drink with “bomb” in the name, and count your drinks religiously so you know exactly how much you’ve consumed. Ladies will be intrigued by your mysterious sobriety and will likely* pick you from the crowd to go home with. (*- assuming you’ve followed all the other rules)

5. Set up a date on OBC!

If you want to sidestep all these other tips, you COULD do the smart thing and just find yourself a date for the night on OBC. No beating around the bush or awkwardly talking about Anna Howard Shaw necessary. Just a quick message, a location and time to meet, and BAM. You can continue on with your night of debauchery and end the night with what we’re all looking for: some Mardi Gras booty.