What do you get the man who has everything? Like, seriously, everything. Not “everything” like you say your dad has “everything” because he has a decent tool set and a nice robe. I mean, the man who HAS EVERYTHING, including the most beautiful wife in the world, a brand new gorgeous baby, a wildly successful music career, clothing company, and HIS OWN GODDAMN BASKETBALL TEAM.

WHAT DO YOU GET HIM??? It’s not like you say, “IT’S YOUR VERY OWN iPHONE 5!” because he’d laugh and throw it in the pile with the rest of them sent directly from Steve Jobs’ ghost. You don’t get him a brand new BMW, because he’ll go, “hahaha, aw. That’s cute,” AND THROW IT IN THE PILE WITH THE REST. I think when you have a life like Jay-Z, it’s the sentimental gifts that actually start meaning more than the big stuff.

So happy birthday, Shawn Carter, from the Internetz.