In true Christmas spirit, I left most of my shopping for this week. Because nothing says “Merry Christmas to the people I care about most” than a hastily wrapped XXL t-shirt that says Happy St. Patrick’s Day. Actually, that’s not all true. For most of my gift-giving list, I followed my own advice from this past weekend’s must-dos and MADE most of my gifts. That’s right – I am a 90 year old woman with grandchildren, couldn’t you tell by the penis jokes?

Needless to say, I’ve realized that the couple of people who I have yet to purchase for are basically the bottom of the barrel:  fourth-cousins who sacrificed goats last night, creepy great-uncles, and the ever-present overbearing neighbor. I figure, during this time of selfless giving, why not ALSO impart a little knowledge to them about how much they are the worst in a way that they can not get angry about? Sounds like a great plan right? RIGHT? SO. Gifts giving guide: A-Holes Edition.

1) That girl on your Facebook feed who wont STFU about her baby

The New Child Kid Toy Kid Big Band Drum Set

“Oh HIIIII, little baby Tommy! Look what your mommy’s friend from high school got you! YES! YES IT IS THE LOUDEST TOY THEY OFFER ON AMAZON! You are so smart! You are such a big boy! No, no, no,  – tell mommy to sit her newly fat ass down and I’ll put this awesome gift together for you. And then you can practice allllll day and alllll night loooong! HOORAY! Maybe mommy will stop posting pictures of you with sh*t on your face if you’re too busy destroying the small bit of sanity she has left! MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A SHUTTHEHELLUP.”

2) Your loud obnoxious neighbor

A year subscription to Schizophrenia Magazine

You know how you have that neighbor and he’s really friendly and helpful and is always offering you food and stuff but he also likes to fire up his crappy Porsche every morning at 7 AM and rev the engine and blast LMFAO for 45 minutes until your rage makes its way from your brain to your eyes and then one of your eyes explodes and then he sees you and yells “HEY NEIGHBOR WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR EYE IT LOOKS WEIRD YOU OK WHATS UP HI,” and you make a unintelligible guttural noise from your intestines and get in your car and drive away? No? Well. You will have one one day, and you will thank me for giving you the idea to order them a subscription of Schizophrenia Magazine. It’s a friendly way to say, “you must have a mental problem that requires heavy medication,” while also saying, “thanks for the year of torture, jerk.”

3) Your neurotic, passive-aggressive receptionist

A bottle of the most intense diet pills you can find

There is something so pleasant about Janet, isn’t there? She’s so pretty and has a gorgeous smile, but for some reason it seems to mask an inner core of self-hatred and judgment. She eats a carrot stick and four grapes every day for lunch and gives you a self-satisfied smirk every time you walk in with Taco Bell. She also says things like “you’ve been filling out this Winter!” and “you’re so cute when you eat like a starving third-world orphan,” but when you ask her to make a copy of something her eyes turn a Satanic shade of purple-black and you imagine her sucking the souls out of lesser beings. It’s possible. Anyway, take her insecurity to a new level by leaving a bottle of diet pills on her desk with a little bow attached (replace the pills with Vitamin C though, you don’t need someone’s vomit-blood on your hands). Leave a friendly note that says, “for what I am sure is your New Years Resolution: from the entire office to you!”

Do you have a great gift idea for the special A-hole in your life? Share it in the comments!