When I think of the E! channel, I generally think of a dirty syringe full of an unknown drug that a homeless person might find in a dumpster. It’s absolutely the most repulsive idea in the world to inject yourself with it, but hey, you’re homeless, so what have you got to lose? And then 5 minutes later, they’re addicted to whatever disgusting life-swallowing drug they just injected and their life begins a downward spiral towards death.

Alright, you’re right, that’s a little dramatic, but in all seriousness, I’m pretty sure that those who have fallen into watching the E! channel on a regular basis will probably split off from our species’ evolutionary path and create a new sub-species that will continue to watch entertainment news and read tabloid magazines and eat Lean Cuisine meals while the rest of us get back to advancing our species.

ALRIGHT FINE that’s dramatic too, but come on. E! sucks. It sucks a fat one.

So, to honor the oh-so-enriching cable channel on its 20th anniversary, here are BCU’s ideas for fitting celebrations.

1) Officially rename all the programs to rightfully explain what they are. Some examples:

• Pretty Wild: “Keep Up With The Kardashians 2: Younger and Sluttier”
• E! News: “Ryan Seacrest and An Alien Talk About Crap No One Should Care About”
• Kendra: “On Minute 14 of My 15 Minutes of Fame!”
• E! True Hollywood Story: “Look What Our Privacy Invasion and Exploitation Did to This Boring Person!”

2) A giant beautiful cake made of fiberglass: Get it? It’s a metaphor for how all the people on that network (except Joel McHale and Chelsea Handler, we love you) are pretty on the outside and fluffy and poisonous on the inside.

3) An all expenses paid one-way bus ride to Mars

4) The return of Celebrity Death Match: except this time, they’re not clay figurines,  actually fighting each other.

I could try and come up with a 5th idea, but everything going through my head is really morbid and inappropriate and could potentially get me on the FBI search warrant list. So I’ll send off with this: Congratulations, E! You did… something!