I don’t have kids, but I do have two younger brothers, so I know how absolutely unbearable children can be at times. Sometimes you just want to drive them out to the desert and leave them there while you take a g*ddamn shower in peace without them knocking on the door because they want you to make them macaroni and cheese. However, when you become a parent, a switch is supposed to flip in your head that tells you to have patience, because they are just kids. YOUR kids. So you take a shot of Jameson and make them their macaroni and cheese.

And when you spank your kid and they “hit you back,” you don’t bound and gag them with duct tape and put it on Facebook. Unless you’re this dumb criminal, who is due in court today facing charges of child abuse.