You know how sometimes you’re at a concert for a band or musical group you really like, and the curtain raises and BOOM, they start playing your favorite song? And you’re like YEEEEAHHHH I LOVE THIS SONG but then you’re like DAMN, NOW I’M NOT EXCITED FOR ANYTHING. That’s how I feel about this Dumb Criminal Alert; this might actually be the best one all year and it came within the first week? I CALL BULLSH*T. Whatever. Let’s meet Edward Brown, shall we?

Edward Brown is the Stonge-Henge-mouthed gentleman in the photo above. He was arrested last week (Christmas week, in case you forgot) in a Chicago movie theater for exposing himself to the audience, and was charged with sexual exploitation of a child and misdemeanor disorderly conduct. The movie? Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked. The audience? About 95 people, mostly children.

According to witnesses, Brown stood up in the middle of the theater, stripped naked, and paraded around in front of the audience, before sitting back down in a seat… still naked. Police were called and the audience was evacuated (for a natural disaster involving balls) and Brown was arrested. But that’s not even the best part. When Brown was asked why he’d do something so foul in front of a bunch of children, he responded that a woman had promised him sex and crack if he sat in the front row of the movie theater and took off his clothes.

And now I’ll sit here for the rest of the year, disappointed in the rest of the show.