When you woke up this morning, probably still full from that 24 oz Porterhouse you ate at 8pm yesterday because America, was your first thought, “man, I sure wish I could start the day watching a British television show clip wherein a legendary nature show narrator lends his voice to a video of a small turtle sexually assaulting a shoe?” That was probably your first thought. If anything, it was your SECOND thought, after “GOD, I really need to go on a diet.”

I can’t tell you if you’re actually gonna go on that diet, but I can deliver David Attenborough narrating a turtle having sex with a shoe. Also, Cameron Diaz is there. So, you know, 1 out of 2 ain’t bad.

(ALSO, high five to that little turtle. He probably got more this weekend than most of us, even if it was in the form of a plastic Croc.)