It’s been a while since we’ve had a decent dumb criminal off, hopefully because they are all interbreeding and dying off like the Hapsburgs, but today I came across something a little different – two stories about masturbation, both in equal amounts of GROSS. It’s up to you to decide who is creepier! Let’s begin.

A Louisiana man named Brent Keen is being held in lieu of $5,000 bail for allegedly driving around a Wal-Mart parking lot exposing himself to women and masturbating. This could be just another case of some weirdo who hasn’t gotten laid in too long, but no – the story gets weirder. According to TheSmokingGun, the suspect stated that “he did have his penis out because of past experiences he had at Wal-Mart. Keen stated when he comes to Wal-Mart he gets aroused.”

I don’t know about you, but I would think that Wal-Mart is a place where you go when you need a real boner-killer. Just check out PeopleofWalMart.com to see the kind of talent that walks around a Wal-Mart, ESPECIALLY IN LOUISIANA. Maybe it’s the way Wal-Mart organizes their shelves, or something about those blue vests, or a little kink Mr. Keen has for bright yellow smiley faces, but either way: it’s creepy.

Next we have Warren Jeffs, the notorious Mormon polygamist and rapist who is in prison for life for taking wives as young as 12 years old. He must be feeling rather unsatisfied without a pre-pubescent child to get him off, so he’s taken to furious masturbation… or so claims a guard in the prison where Jeffs is held.

According to one of his former jailers, the convicted child rapist masturbated more or less continuously while in custody. Rick Bradley, a guard at the county jail where Jeffs was kept in the weeks prior to his trial, told The Daily that the 55-year-old seemed to be suffering from sexual withdrawal and pleasured himself “a lot.” What does that mean, exactly—five times a day? More, Bradley said.

Fifteen times? “Sometimes more than that,” he told The Daily.

The guard said that the prisoner—who was not permitted conjugal visits—often played solo in full view of his guards. “We could see him,” Bradley said.

Barf. BARF. Sounds to me like this guy would make a great BFF to the litigious chronic masturbator from a few months ago. I am just in BARF land thinking about this religious psycho, picturing his child brides and jerking it right in front of multiple male guards. GAG BARF EW.