The 2014 Winter Olympics are just beginning today in Sochi, Russia.  People are talking about a lot of things, like the rampant homophobia and effed up toilets and half-furnished hotels and disgusting water and depressing amount of stray dogs, but our favorite product of the whole event is Cosmopolitan Magazine’s Olympic-themed sex article, which (as it’s done before) tried to make up sexual positions that sound not only uncomfortable but also HORRIBLY PAINFUL.

The article, which offers up some Cosmo-level sex positions like “The Heavenly Spiral” and “The O-lympic Village” (HAHA!), got a extra nutso when they came up with the “Sex-Goddess Ski Jump.”

Via Jezebel:

1. Take a flying leap. 2. Land on his penis. 3. Win a gold medal! Have him push you up against a wall and grab you around the butt. Now leap up into his arms like you’re soaring off a Sochi bluff, lock your legs around his waist, hold on to his shoulders for leverage, and get busy. Little-known Newton law of motion: up-against-a-wall sex is never not hot.

What the ever-living F*CK? Ladies, ladies, ladies. PLEASE do NOT take a flying leap and try and land on your dude’s junk! IT IS A TERRIBLE, AWFUL IDEA! One degree in the wrong direction, one mistimed catch, and you’re looking at a severe penile fracture (don’t Google that. DON’T GOOGLE THAT!).

It’s Friday and we’re excited to get out there and meet some new people, have fun, and get booty.

BUT AGAIN, DON’T JUMP, NOR LET ANYONE JUMP ON A PENIS. IT IS A BAD IDEA. DON’T DO IT. PLEASE.