Dearest friends and family,

we gather here today to mourn the loss of a great and noble singleton. Chad ‘Ochocinco’ Johnson, football player, reality television star, friend. Although we may now witness him moving onto the next part of his journey, the journey of death marital bliss with model and VH1 star Evelyn Lozada, we will not mourn him, nor will we keep feelings of great grief, but we will instead celebrate his single life. Death Marriage, as we know, is not the end of the universe, however it marks a passing into a new stage, a stage of contracts, and legalities, and also getting fat sometimes (most of the time). So on this Tuesday, let us vow to memorialize Ocho in a way he would deem joyful: by spending time with our friends, and playing football, and also getting a sh*t ton of booty.

We end today with Ocho’s last single words on the set of the Ryan Seacrest radio show:

“Yeah…why not.“

So unfortunate.

Amen.

img via Bossip