There once was a time when crime was almost a noble venture.

Stealing from the rich and giving to the poor!

Pirating on the high seas!

Being a jewel thief or a crazy serial killer like Jack the Ripper!

These days, though, most criminals are just, well, retarded. Even aside from the fact that people genuinely believe they won’t get caught despite the fact that there are cameras EVERYWHERE, and that COPS is a show, and that people have no problem ratting each other out… EVEN ASIDE FROM THAT, the crimes people choose to commit are so embarrassing. Someday when history looks back on our generation they’re gonna be like, “wow, computers and Facebook and hybrids were invented, that’s pretty awesome, but DAMN for the most part y’all were DUMB.”

For more on the dismal state of our generation’s criminals, I bring you BCU’s Best (Worst) Crimes of the Week.

1) The South Carolina IHOP Public Brawl Case

Obviously we couldn’t have a crime post without talking about public brawls, and lo and behold – one showed up on Saturday (this is Public Brawl #5267, in case you’re keeping track), and this one took place in an IHOP. First of all, what is up with people getting so pissed off in breakfast restaurants?! I don’t understand how you could possibly get this riled up when there is a delicious plate of pancakes and bacon in front of you! IT’S SACRILEGE IS WHAT IT IS. Also, thanks to thesmokinggun for providing the hilarious commentary of “…the woman, adopting a lion tamer’s pose, picks up a chair and tosses it at the cane wielder.” Great picture. I definitely understand what is going on here. Cops are currently looking for the participants to make arrests, despite the management (probably terrified, saying) they “did not want to pursue any charges on the incident.”

2)Kidnappers Trade Victim for an Xbox 360

Whatever you do, do not allegedly steal from Joshua Seal, even if you happen to be his son-in-law, because he will kidnap you and hold you hostage until someone offers up the money you supposedly stole OR someone comes through with a used game console so he can play Madden 2011 because he really wants to play Madden 2011. According to Gizmodo, Joshua kidnapped his son-in-law Allen Bagley, beat the crap out of him, and then told him to cough up the $245 in rings that he allegedly stole. When he said he didn’t have the money, they made him call his family members, until someone finally offered up their Xbox 360 in trade for the hostage. Joshua and his accomplice are now being held for “Especially Aggravated Kidnapping,” which could be based on the degree that they beat the kid or how annoyed the cops were when they read the police report. “Wait wait wait, so they gave him up for an XBOX? ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME?”

3) Woman kills nephew’s “devil dog” for chewing on her Bible

Oh, South Carolina. You never cease to amaze me with how well you convince me that I NEVER want to visit you. According to the New York Daily news, the woman above, Miriam Fowler Smith, was not pleased when she found her nephew’s dog chewing on her Bible… you know, doing that thing that all dogs do because they’re dogs. So instead of swatting him with a rolled up newspaper or putting him outside for the night, her first reaction (obviously) was to declare the dog a “devil dog” and then hang him from a tree with electrical wire and then set him on fire. She claims she thought the “devil dog” would “hurt neighborhood children.” Miriam is in a county jail and could face up to five years in prison for felony animal abuse.

4) Woman caught masturbating in car gets charged with… weapon possession?

Look at that smile! She might be getting her mug shot taken at an Illinois police station, but HEY, at least she just got off. According to thesmokinggun, Vikki Myers was caught in her car outside a Red Roof Inn, topless, with several “adult items that were used for self-pleasuring” and admitted to the cops that she had been staying at the hotel with her children and has slipped off to the van to masturbate. Um. Sure, okay. Good for you, Vikki Myers, keeping the spark alive… but maybe not topless? And maybe not in a van? Outside a hotel? Anyway, the cops apparently searched her car and found a 9mm hand gun, and because it was not licensed, she was arrested and fined $165. Out of all these crime reports, I gotta hand it to Vikki. Solo sesh, topless in a van with a gun? Kiiiiinda awesome.

5) Woman stabs man after he makes a “stinky feet” joke

Have you noticed a trend with most of these cases? I mean other than the fact that they are almost exclusively in Hicksville, USA the Midwest? That’s right, most of ’em are women. Because women are crazy. Take this story, for example, where a young woman stabbed a guy in the back because he made a joke about her smelly feet. You read that right. Dallas Smith, 18, apparently plunged a knife into Willy Simpson’s back, puncturing his lung, after she drunkenly bet she could do a backflip which required the removal of her shoes. The flip supposedly did not go as well as planned, and amidst the laughing, Willy made a joke implying her feet smelled bad. After a scuffle, Dallas apparently pulled a knife from her coat, stabbed Willy in the back, and bolted for the door. She is now spending a year and three months in prison and must write a research paper on how binge drinking affects lives. I also imagine they put her on a strong-ass dose of Yaz (get it, because she’s a crazy PMSing land beast who needs her hormones balanced?) (just kidding) (women don’t kill me please).