We’re all for safe sex in all it’s forms. Whether you practice abstinence (no thank you), use condoms (you should ALWAYS use condoms), or use birth control and a diaphragm (do those even exist anymore?), we say GO YOU. Way to keep your body and your partner’s body healthy and safe.

However, there are certain directions the contraceptive industry has taken that seem, um… less than savory. There were the Occupy Wall Street condoms that decried, “We Will Come First!” There were the Pope condoms. And then there was the news that birth control might actually lead you to a guy like your DAD. Eesh. No matter what though, no matter the strangeness, we’re pro-contraceptives. Until now.

Bacon. Flavored. Condoms.

BACON. BACON FLAVORED CONDOMS, WITH BACON LUBE. From J&D’s, the company behind the product:

J&D’s Bacon Condoms™ are proudly Made in America of the highest quality latex. Every Bacon Condom has been rigorously tested to help ensure reliability and the utmost safety for when you’re makin’ Bacon. As an added bonus, J&D’s baconlube™ ultra premium water based meat flavored personal lubricant has been generously applied inside and out for an even more hot pork experience.

Look. I LOVE BACON. On a Sunday morning with scrambled eggs and hash browns, still sizzling with oil from the pan, perhaps complimented by a cool mimosa and a cup of coffee… that is my paradise. However, when slipping a condom on a booty call’s nether regions, the LAST flavor I want (okay, behind fishy and… well, a couple other flavors) is something SALTY AND FATTY. Bacon and penises DO NOT BELONG TOGETHER, and FAUX-BACON FLAVOR and penises ESPECIALLY do not belong together.

We imagine this is one of those stunts to bring attention to the company, or something to be sold as a gag gift and then hastily shoved in a side drawer until one night you realize you forgot to buy condoms and just say, “eh what the f*ck,” but we do NOT approve. Strawberry flavored is one thing. But bacon?

BACON???????

No. Just no.

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